January 27, 2003 

THE MEANDERINGS OF SMIDGE SAMUELSON
Episode 4—Rebuilding a Shattered Life

When his wife Laura left him, Sandy (a.k.a. Dr. Sandford L. Samuelson) was devastated. He hadn't realized how dependent he was on her, and how needy a person he was without the protection of the relationship. All sorts of Smidge/Smudge feelings dominated his waking hours. They took over his nighttime dreams as well.

Sandy tried a number of diversions—drinking in clubs, going to concerts, drinking alone, taking on private clients, watching TV, drinking during commercials. Whoa! He had flashbacks to his teenaged near-miss with drugs, and also to some sad sessions with clients whose lives had been shipwrecked because of alcohol abuse. He backed away from the brink and denied himself all but the occasional drink. That didn't solve anything, but it kept him from falling into a far deeper pit.

Some of his old energy began to return, and Sandy thought about possible ways of restoring stability and meaning to his life. He came to this conclusion: if a broken relationship had caused him so much pain, maybe the prescription for healing could be found in substitute relationships. Suddenly, every woman he knew between twenty and fifty became a potential quarry. He hit on everybody in sight. He was, unfortunately, not Mr. Smooth, and every fantasized relationship seemed to turn into a new source of humiliation when he acted on it. He tried too hard and moved too fast. No woman found this a turn-on.

Until Barbara! Barbara seemed to appear from nowhere. He met her in the supermarket, of all places. She looked good—too good. She was out of his league, and he was wounded and weary from repeated rejections. He saw her in the checkout line several times, and he would usually nod and give a little smile. Her response was controlled, but pleasant. He didn't even think of trying to reach out to her.

But she did! That's the amazing thing. Barbara made the first move. One day she said: "I see you here a lot. Is that a Honda you drive? How do you like it?" A small crack in the door, but is seemed like a wide-open welcome to Sandy. He responded naturally, since he had been caught off guard and didn't have time to put on his "Available Male" persona.

Well, one thing led to another ... and another ... and another. They dated more and more frequently, always in comfortable, down-home low-pressure settings. Sandy began to realize that this woman was really a fit for him. She always seemed happy to be with him, but she was relaxed about it, letting the relationship take its course without forcing things.

There was just one little annoyance—the church thing. This really together woman seemed to need church in her life. When he questioned it, Barbara said her faith was why she was a "really together woman." He didn't pursue this, because he didn't want to hear a sermon. And she didn't push religion on him, in contrast to his neighbor Bob Post. She seemed to have a calm confidence that he'd figure it out for himself in time. Sandy decided he'd forgive Barbara for being a Christian; women seem to have these needs.

In a few months, he did have to deal with the church a bit. That's the only place Barbara would agree to holding the wedding. Pastor Steve required four pre-marital counseling sessions, which were held in his office. Sandy tried to take this seriously, but being "counseled" by a minister who was five years younger than him and married only three years himself seemed like a joke. And then there was the matter of Sandy's Ph.D. in psychology.

In their first session, Pastor Steve seemed to be reading his mind: "This seems funny—I'm younger than you, have less marriage experience, and don't have much formal education in psychology. How about you counseling me?"

Pastor Steve's surprising humility and openness totally disarmed Sandy. He said, "Well, Pastor, I'm sure you have some perspectives from the Bible I need to hear about." And the pastor did. Sandy became a student in a school he had stopped attending during his teen years—a school where the main subject is a person's relationship with God and the curriculum is the Bible taken as God's Word. Sandy saw what had been wrong with his first marriage, and he was glad that Barbara brought a personal relationship with God into their marriage. It crossed his mind for a second that he too needed a personal relationship with God, but he quickly pulled a curtain over that thought.

The marriage was healthy and sound. It began that way, and it stayed that way. After the honeymoon. Through the adjustments to each other's habits and values. Through her pregnancy, and that wonderful daughter's early months and years. Then there was a brother, and another.

Sandy was a settled man. His teaching improved, he regularly spent Saturdays with his family, he joined the Kiwanis Club. On Sundays, he was happy to see Barbara and the kids drive off to church. It made him feel part of something larger, that his life had some cosmic meaning. He even went to church at Christmas and Easter, and maybe a couple of other times, just to pay his respects to Pastor Steve and Barbara's God. He kind of liked them both. But he was careful not to get too involved; religion can suck you in like a whirlpool.

He did notice that the Sunday mornings he stayed home alone were sort of disquieting. It's then that Smidge or Smudge might reappear, Smidge to remind him how small he was, and Smudge to whisper how dirty he was. Why wouldn't these guys leave him alone? Didn't they know he was a new person? Or was he?

–Pastor George Van Alstine